I’ve been around the Dictionary of the Royal Spanish Academy to review terms that fit what has happened to me. The string is important, but I think that having been defenestrated, riddled with bullets, bombed and absolutely annihilated sums it up very well. GTA Online has been an unexpected and rather unpleasant return to school.
Because meeting a Nelson Muntz can be even nice, but becoming the recurring target of all Saints has not sent me to the hospital by miracle. It doesn’t do me any good for my health to boil my blood at enormous temperatures; rage has run through every fiber of my body.
Welcome to SecuroServ
I was commenting very happily last week that luck is a bloody unexpected guest. You don’t know if she’s going to show up with the cake that’s missing at the party or if she’s going to call the police to shut down the beach bar. Seeing that, at least, in business I was going from strength to strength, I decided to launch myself to the next level: SecuroServ.
I have not forgotten my marijuana plantations and my forgery of documents, but we must take a further leap in the criminal evolutionary scale. I look at prices in Dynasty 8 Executive and luckily I don’t fall backwards from the chair. There are fat discounts for a small-time millionaire like me, so I take over the Maze Bank West office next door to my apartment.
It’s the perfect fucking enclave because I form a ideal triangle of evil between the Black Hole and my house for just $500,000. You already know that I go shopping on sale and because I don’t have discount coupons for magazines, otherwise I could get more free stuff. Air conditioning (essential at this time of year), humidity control, availability of up to 60 seats and interior designers with boundless greed.
I understand that you don’t live here breathing the polluted air of Vinewood, but the SecuroServ organization is seeking a formal complaint with the OCU. Do you want to change the color of the office? Put down $300,000. Would you like to take a nap in a bed or have more arsenal than an army? Loosen the bills, nice. Adding all the extras to the flat is a tremendous blow and it’s enough for me to hire my assistant.
An efficient woman, with impeccable academic training and not an ounce of scruples. Cold mind that thinks and acts accordingly, ideal. Now yes, everything is ready to move on to the next phase of my master plan. Spoiler: it goes wrong.
A gold mine that I let pass
It’s to be useless, right? I could be slapping myself all day for letting such a juicy opportunity pass me by. GTA Online. It is not that the SecuroServ office has been at a good price due to the influence of the altruistic sect, no. It’s because Rockstar has made it hard to suck their money like leeches.
I look closely at the start menu before starting the game that in this last week offers have been applied to properties such as warehouses and rewards for export jobs They multiply. After interpreting the meme of putting my hand to my forehead, I get into action, there is no time to lose.
Almacén del Rancho, a horrible and very cheap club. Barely 175,000 dollars for a shack in which the noblest activity that has been carried out there has been the sale of pornographic magazines. I’m not very clear about how the SecuroServ issue works, but I’ve been told that I’m going to lack the pockets for so much money.
It is clear that I must be digitally illiterate, because I am not able to interpret a damn radar in the first mission. Heck, you have to pay to get the merchandise and then sell it, but if you don’t get the shipment, you’re losing thousands of dollars through sheer incompetence.
In the end I get to the new format, combined with driving a rusty caravan or carrying out indiscriminate massacres. I fill the warehouse with 20 boxes, which amounts to an investment of $70,000, and to test it, I sell some jewelry in small packages. With such a blunder, I only make a profit of $75,000.
It really has been a very big investment of time for so little money and I notice how I play totally against the clock. I sell the rest of the stock I have and that precious feeling called happiness invades me. It’s a laugh! I just have to land a plane on the other side of San Andreas, put bullets in 10 heads and get some rich $467,000. There is no time to lose, we have to catch up with the rest of the class and I jump into the pool. It’s time to go for a large warehouse.
Bullies in your face
$1,330,000. Luckily I don’t have to pay a mortgage, because the slap is vintage. Not that it’s Russell Crowe in An amazing mind, but it is clear that if I do things right, the accounts will end up coming out over time. I get it in Cypress Flats, an industrial zone and far from where I have my office, but I resign myself to being the cheapest there is.
No more filling 20 boxes, now I sell wholesale with 111 boxes. I ease my bills a bit by selling the old warehouse for $87,500 and get to work. There are some more and some less, but I have no doubt that all of you who are reading have been bothered by the typical bully at school.
Yes, that pit of sawdust that enjoys twisting your arm and almost needs you to put a bib on it if you force it to multiply with two-digit numbers. All of them are going to start appearing like a plague when I have to do a complicated mission. The merchandise is in the middle of the sea, in a sailboat guarded by two other boats with turrets.
Fortunately, GTA Online puts me on a zodiac to get there to run into another damn problem. By the time my character steps away from the steering wheel to shoot, I’m killed. If I jump into the water to dive, it turns out that enemies have better aim than Hawkeye. I go into a loop of tremendous despair to finally realize that I do not have to take the sailboat, but I have to destroy it.
Nothing happens, I already have the merchandise, I just have to go back, take the car and deliver it to the warehouse. Big mistake. I have once mentioned that people with any flying device are the aerial incarnation of the devil and they insist on proving it. A fighter piloted by an enemy organization president destroys me in the middle of the sea.
Not content with this, he constantly bombards me. It’s not just that he won’t let me go for the package, it’s that he won’t let me nor go home to watch the afternoon movie on Antena 3. I have no firepower to counter and the dock is too open to hide. After a while where I see the death screen more times than I’d like, help is on the way.
An anonymous player takes down the heavier on duty and sends me a message. “I’ll protect you”, or what is the same, “don’t worry, bro”. A good samaritan that covers me while I swim to the package, I get on a boat and now yes, I’m heading to my destination. I end up at the airport, get on a plane and take off straight to the warehouse.
Finally, the movie is over…BOOOM! I fall, I have died, I have lost the package and I am alone. A joker on a flying motorcycle, without eating or drinking it, has decided to test if the missiles work with my plane. I have so much rage inside, frustration and impotence that I do what doesn’t usually happen to me. I close GTA Online like a beast, without giving the PS5 a break.
Seriously, enough of this mockery of me. I have not suffered such humiliation not only since my return in recent months, but in my entire life as a player in Los Santos. I don’t know what I’m going to do next week, but all I need now is for that cowardly Lester to steal my sandwich.